I know I’m intruding on your life, not you on mine. I felt as if things were becoming a bit clearer earlier on, but can now see everything falling to pieces before my eyes. I’m paying dearly for past mistakes. I never realised how one mistake in my life some four or five years ago would make me fell how I do. I struggle between what I know is right in my own mind, and some warped truthfulness as seen through other people’s eyes who have no heart, and can’t see the difference anyway. I saw Apocalypse Now at the cinema. I couldn’t take my eyes away from the screen. On the record, there’s Marlon Brando reading The Hollow Men, the struggle between man’s conscience and his heart until things go too far, get out of hand, and can never be repaired. Is everything so worthless in the end? Is there any more? What lies beyond? What is left to carry on? I have the feeling the epileptic condition will worsen. It frightens me. It’s a lie to say “I’m not afraid any more”. There’s nothing the doctors can do but try tablets. I felt I had to tell you this even though it might change your feelings for me. I’ve been thinking of you constantly, trying to rationalise our situation, thinking of the things we’ve done. Images and thoughts prey on my mind, before my eyes all times of the day and night. And while some things are beyond my understanding, I know that I love you and will do forever.
Until I see you again, I miss you with all my heart.
All my love… Ian.